Bankerella isn’t real. And judging by the replies to her post, those in the finance community have realized this. The non-finance community loves any chance to villianize or label us—men or women—as narcissists or sociopaths, but the Bankerella posts may be a bit too perfect. Here are the giant mistakes in her post, that every #WIF newbie and veteran knows and noticed almost immediately, that made it obvious Bankerella is either fake or delusional:
First of all, any #WIF can tell you that our kind dating each other is a rarity, nearly impossible, and not a smart idea. Wasted efforts. Aside from schedules that make one wonder if the other person is even still real, #WIF guys seems to love the most bizarre far-from-finance kind of girls. “What does your girlfriend do? Oh, she’s a trapeze instructor? A professional Easter Bunny? That’s…interesting.” Why is this? Probably for the fear that finance girls’ vaginas are full of teeth and spreadsheets. Spreadsheets with teeth.
Secondly, is she dating these #WIF guys or just hooking up with them? If she’s just hooking up with them, why does it matter if they have money, or points, or if they’re taking her out? Is she a banker, a hooker, or a bum? This is confusing. She also says that comparing deals and power will always be inevitable with fellow bankers. Why is she having a dick measuring contest with the guy she’s about to sleep with?
Thirdly, she refers to non-finance guys as scrubs (okay, 1999), and complains how she cannot tolerate a scrub being late or checking their phones or talking about anything non-finance. But anyone who has dated a #WIF or been a #WIF has checked their Blackberry mid-bone (or at least glanced for the blinking red light), cancelled a date last minute, or has had to flake on plans all together. We are more unreliable than the Octomom’s period. The best we’ve done is try to multi-task which usually ends with “hang on, I just have to send this one email. Do you have a Blackberry charger? No, one with a skinny USB tip, like this. Actually, I’m just going to get my laptop, it’s in my car. What’s your WiFi password? I promise this will only take a minute. Okay okay, I’m done, just had to make a change to this CIM real quick, and oh—hold on, it’s my VP calling.” You get it. You’ve done it.
Lastly, didn’t we all quit the dating-a-banker scene after spending an after-hours summer in the bullpen around a bunch of sweaty dudes who smell like feet and cheetos? I thought that fascination was reserved for first-year secretaries? (Even after 6 months the secretaries think everyone needs to get over themselves.)
If Bankerella is real, by her own admission, she has strong hateful feelings towards any- and everyone who does not work in finance, which makes us wonder her feelings on her friends and family. More importantly, it makes us wonder how she feels about Ryan Lochte, or Steve Jobs, or George Washington. Why does Bankerella hate America? Why is she the worst person in the world? We love our fellow skirts in finance, but certainly don’t know any like her. Thanks for representing us as having the world’s worst inadequacy issues.
If Bankarella is indeed real, we can only imagine that the WIFs who are sleeping with her are doing so in hopes that they will have the opportunity to kill her after she survives the two hours of vicious hate fucking.
What does every real banker boy and girl need? A therapist.
What were your thoughts on the Bankerella post? Do you have a story to share regarding your own dating experience in the WIF community?
Send us your ideas at: WhenInFinance@Gmail.com
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IB Analyst Consumes 500 Starburst in Eating Challenge
Forget Michael Phelps, we’ve got a new American champion on our hands. And it’s this guy:
Yesterday, we got wind from our friends over at Business Insider and Dealbreaker of an analyst in Houston who, in the great tradition of analyst degradation eating challenges, was attempting to eat 500 Starbursts in 12 hours for the prize of $500. The cherry-flavored Starburst on top was that he was streaming this entire event on UStream; it was appropriately listed in the Sports category.
Over the course of the challenge, the stream had over 13,000 views, and supporters—including WhenInFinance—joined the chatroom to cheer on Garrison.
We watched Garrison go through the sugar highs like Buster Bluth drinking juice, and the sugar crashes where he was sad, stressed, and licking a pretzel. In the end, he completed the challenge in a flurry of confetti, wrapped himself in an American flag, and drank a beer.
He ended the chat saying “vom time…heads up for the squeamish”, stuck his fingers down his throat, and threw up on camera while holding up the Hook Em horns.
We’re proud of you, Garrison.
#WIF Followers: What are some eating challenges you’ve attempted or forced upon your lowly interns and fellow colleagues? Send us your stories and pictures at WheninFinance@Gmail.com.
Garrison on a Sugar High.
The final Starburst:
True patriot: victory beer wrapped in the American flag: