For today’s email I want to point to another fellow alumnus. One that’s been in the game for quite a minute, but made a name fo’ hiself.
My dude. Jes Staley. FORMERLY of J.P. Morgan Chase.
Now Jes was that dude ya’ll. Forreal. Dude was next in line to become CEO of J.P. Morgan after Jamie Dimon did his thing and shay-nay-nayed on out.
Not only was Jes nice at his job, dude was a visionary.
Like visionary enough to call Jamie Dimon (current CEO) and be like “Yo ! Watch out for the Chief Investment Office. They not doing shit right in there my dude. All fucked up in the game. “
Jamie heard dude out, and afterwards, was like:
Then he just responded like:
He thought it was all jokes. Then this shit happened : http://www.euromoney.com/Article/3024619/Inside-JPMorgans-2-billion-loss-making-CIO-division.html
To make matters worse, when Jamie was restructing after the whole CIO unit mess. He didn’t promote my dude Jes AT ALL. Matter fact. Dude stripped him of day-today duties.
Everyone in the industry was like:
Suffice to say, my dude Jes saw that shit, and was like “Oh word? OK. I got you Jamie…..I got you.”:
Then Barclays, like the little British snitch of a bank they were, went out and shay-nay-nayed to the press:http://uk.news.yahoo.com/exclusive-barclays-rebuff-jp-morgan-exec-175402944—finance.html
WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT?!?! Barclays. That’s who. Grimey as hell.
Meanwhile, Jes was chilling at home watching the news like :
So you know it’s hella awkward in the office now. Jes can’t stare Jamie in the eye. Jamie walking around like “YOU. HURT. ME.”
Everyone in the office at J.P. Morgan was all:
Well TODAY is a new day ya’ll. Jes got a new job: http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2013-01-08/jpmorgan-s-staley-quits-to-join-bluemountain-hedge-fund.html
And to make matters funnier, these are the people that J.P. Morgan essentially gave up that ass up to after the whole CIO unit “tempest in a teapot” dealio. (You mad Jamie?)
Anyhow, you know Jamie Dimon try to front like he a classy dude. So he wrote a public note and was like:
Even though, we all know deep down, dude was like:
But given he already had stripped my man of his role in the summer of 2012. It probably was more like:
Anyhow, that’s my update for you fine people today. Big ups to Jes Staley. Proud of that dude. Get money. Feed the needy. Help the children etc, etc.
The only thing #WIFs like more than money is getting their egos stroked, so we were pretty happy to be featured in Quartz’ article of The Year In Finance As Expressed Through Hashtags.
Mashable featured the article as well.
Then it trended on Twitter.
Thanks to Simone Fox, Mashable, and Quartz for putting us in the same class as #BernankeGifts and #FedValentines.
We hope to do some fun new things with you all in the new year.
Now, countdown to bonus season.
and trying to make it look like I’m doing actual work:
We hope our site gives you an accurate depiction of your post-grad life: slave hours and heavy drinking.
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Credit: M / NY / VCTweet
When the other associate tells me they can’t work on it because they are going to be out of town:
Credit: M / IB / Palo AltoTweet